HAH! Totally jk-ing about that subject headliner........I'm listening to Terra Naomi-Vicodin Song. She is an amazing artist.. I have tried to learn so many of her songs.....she is a singer/tsong writer that just inspired the shit out of me ! lol....ok.

I'm having a fuckery of a day ! Or lets say week for that matter. My trip I was mostly looking forward to as an escape from this hell im in! the SAD is kicking in like crazy im taking vitamin d and working out but im still depressed. it has a lot to do with my plans falling through. I've lived with a lot of diff ppl and traveled enough to knwo that staying with the same person for a week gets old quick abd thats basically what the case would have been if i kept my original plans. Knowing my brother was down there kept me determined to go down there at the end of october instead, but NO apparently Jack told his counselors to F off and is now getting kicked out and will be here tomorrow. My parents are already depressd and abusive towards me.

Oh lets add that I've slowly crept back into talking t o shawn everyday and being in a reltionship of sorts that makes me cry because there is just something missing. Is this all life is meant to be .....am i going to end up with him and feel like i cheated myself out of something different???? Oh yes and Kevin told me he is in love with me and wanted to take me to seattle and was happy that  my relationships never work out cuz it gives him a chance to date me HAH fucking whatever like he has a chance. I have deleted him off myspace and fb and twitter and messenger now just block texts and phone calls and im done with this bullshit for good. i cant take it anymore!!  contacting me in 4 diff methods all day long saying perverted shit and im in love with u bullshit is RIDICULOUS.

Now i have two tickets with open dates. I think my interview with costco pharmacy went well. The hospital is hirig I completed 75% of that app but i needed sushi so i saved it for later and started watching gossip girl. I wish i could have lived that  upperclass new york  life im so envious! how the fuck did i get stuck in alaska...ok make it through the winter and time will fly coogan just chill.

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-7sa92YTonY&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-7sa92YTonY&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Okay, Wow didn't get home until 3:30 am last night...slept until like 1pm. Hahaha. I love it! My dysfunctional life......I started taking a bunch of my two different brands of supplements its actually helping me fight this pollen allergy better. Today I felt good enough to run. There is construction going on out north douglas, so like literally right to the right of me when I had to wait for the flagger guy to give me the go ahead...is my aunt susie cleaning her car.....I texted her " I can seee you!" All creep status...lol so her and my cousin joined me on my run. We walkde around the trail once then they chilled on the beach with Mar...then I ran a lap it was nice. Good to hang out with family that I'm on actual POSITIVE terms with.

My mom has gone fucking insane...she was bawling today saying my dad is sooooooooooo controlling because he said he didn't want her mowing the trailer park lawns....I couldn't believe she comes home early bawling about that and I guess Miguel Hernandez who used to work for the company is good friends with my Cousin David who is the son of my dads business partner/brother(Lloyd) so he obviously wouldn't do anything to fuck us over. Not to mention he had liek a crush on me last year and asked me out on a date. He called my mom and asked when jack was getting back and she was like hes working for the cops i tell you hes working for the cops im like fuck sakes woman! no hes not !

Today I felt positive because I got to go on a run, my allergies are getting better i have been coughing stuff up which appears to be pollen my body doesn;t want in it!! I got some new conditioner today, some new razor heads(with aloe in them) doubt it will make a effin diff  and some stuff to give myself a pedicure because its so expensive to go in and get it done these days.

I got two lessons doen last night and have the same intention for tonight. It was weird being up that late...yay one more week until cali....yes!
Lyss* will be here soon too. I have to stay in routine of this correspondance shit so I can play hard too.

Talked to Steve Johnson today. Meeting with him on Friday. Going to line me out for weekend work. I like this. Night and weekend work and school during the day. I love napping and sipping on tea all day then waking up and doing more homework and then going back to sleep. I'm working on another paper right now. I need to get this shizzle done. I'm entirely capable I can do this....pump up the jam Coogan.

Okay went to check inventory on the storage yard today. Four cops doing a drug bust on the unit nearest to the gate....ummm yeah talk about lame scene to creep into like 7 tenants were just out watching....LOL soooooo hood. I got pics and stuff......I feel like sherlock holmes.

My Love Bug Jenna!! She survived her 6-roll call crash in a neon....God sure loves that girl! I sure love her. I'm so thankful she is alive....spiritually with all that I have already lost I could  not handle losing one of my bestfriends like that no no no! She always laughs about the time we hitchhiked from a party home and this creep picked us up and was like to me "you would look so good in vinyl pants, i just got out of prison i got this ink done in the pin." Jens just BUSTING OUT...I'm like about to jump out the moving car........seriously that is mild compared to the adventures us two crazies have been on.

Mar is a treat slut....she gets treats everywhere we go even when its just from friends or whatver she gets cheetos and food from everyone!

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/LroXZVjEIH8&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/LroXZVjEIH8&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

I have like the flu still or something my throat as been all sorts of weird for sometime now. Okay, I got carried away with how much things I signed up with on Twitter. I got like 25 texts over night, I was like WTF like the few that were actually from ppl I knew were so hard to find! LOL. I had to deactivate the SMS text alert that was a little too much for me. I'm just finishing up this paper for my correspondance class. Lately, I feel like I'm beyond depressed or something it sucks.....i don't know whats wrong with me oh well. I just keep working on school and stuff. I really want to start cleaning for my dad and uncle but my throat and lungs are all fucked which sucks! Because I just don't want to be around people I want to put on my ipod and clean and jam yeah know....i get so sick of the trailer park seriously i hate this job.  My dad was like keep working on it and it will be yours someday i was like uhh yeah....i dont know if i even want that.

.....*Crazy is as Crazy does.
Pomegranate Pizzaz Tea.
 Cherry & Almond Dark Chocolate.
Ain't easy to find one of a kind.*.....

I am updating from my blackberry its weird. I left mar mar at home today :( I miss her! I have to go down to the courthouse with pops for a tenant eviction. Why I must god I do not know! Jack called today...he apologized for some stuff pertaining to his using it is a part of the program. I feel like its raining at 4am in the middle of the woods in my mind and body but life is going on around me does that make sense!? I'm in another world right now I felt bad for not being able to give him the response he may have needed. 9 more days until cali I'm so excited.

The principal from the Christian School I went to growing up Richard Burns, is now a project manager for my father's company. He just gave me some awesome advice, who knew the elementary school mentor would became my adult advice giver as well. He told me not to sell my car, pay my parents back when I can. And take it slow about moving. It made me feel so good to have  someone with wisdom tell me I'm not wrong to want to keep my vehicle!

How fucked up is it of my mother to think I shouldn't be able to spend any money when I am in debt? And we are talking about shit I need here not shopping addictions. EVERYONE IS IN DEBT. Screw her. She always compares me to my brother. He's in rehab mom....we aren't comparable. I feel so validated! I love love love it!  I'm pissed that Mar's medication was missing from the package I ordered. WHATEVER damn postal workers must of had a dog with brown tear stains too. Kourtney Melton(Altman) sent me the cutest text today!! Saying Kylie(her daughter) was asking about me and Mar because she liked Mar so much and she only met her once. I used to go talk to her when she was just an infant sooo strange I have friends with kids that are like in school now.

I'm old! I'm old !

Oh and I feel kind of bad cuz I just told all the guys at work about Carter Lesh coming onto me the other weekend at the Imperial. I was very offended we hardly talk ever, we aren't friends, and it was completely inappropriate! I told them because I thought that he might be on drugs or because he is drinking too heavy. You can't grab someone you barely know and be like I WANT YOU !!!!!!!!! I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED YOU!!! PSychotic!! I'm never going out in this town again. I swear. Worst part is they took Carter's side. Sexist pigs. Their like how embarassing poor Carter. I WAS LIKE I WAS HUMLIATED IN FRONT OF PEOPLE......Then he said he wanted to have sex with one of the guys I work with. How is my cousin tight with this guy how is Bob Schenker and my uncle all tight with this guy.....he's always been creepy towards me and i TRIED telling ppl this....but then blam he does that...I'm always right i swear.

I seriously turned psychotic the first summer back from school. I was so anti-drinking.....super religious.  I was scary.........just read those last entries previous to this.

I feel really weak today....maybe I'm coming down with the first case of Juneau swine flu. I feel all weak my head hurts, my chest is heavy, my throat is sore, and I feel nauseous. I dunno what the hell. I better get better before we go down to Cali, to get Jack out of rehab. I have alot to do and I get to hang out with Shawnee =D!  It will be cool to hang out with Jack, but honestly I just want to wish him the best of luck and then he can have fun with my emotionally abusive parents........cuz I'm selling my car and getting out this bitch. Screw this town, screw my mom, and screw ever coming back here.

Tomorrow is a week until my 21st..yay!! Too bad I don't drink!! haha. It's hard sometimes because I don't want to let go of all my friends I had from my party life..but sometimes they make it really hard to turn from my old ways. Instead of realizing that not drinkig is a positive change in my life they look at it as a drain in the goodtimes...I guess those aren't true friends though. I've just been able to appreciate life so much more...I find fun in small things I thought were lame when I was drinking...like reading a good book, dancing, chatting with friends, going for a hike or a run, among other simple pleasures of life. Nature is so wonderful, God truly reveals himself to us in his creations. Pray I can stay strong and withhold against temptation and do God's will.

I've tried to love, but what use is a woman with a broken spirit?

Ages it has been since I last wrote in here. I deleted myspace so I need somewhere to express my feelings besides in memos on my palm pilot or random quotes and brief tidbits of the pain inside of me on my homework. I know I have no one on here, but that is sort of the point.

It's been a year since Josh committed suicide. It wasn't until this summer that I have been sober since he died. I have had a chance to gain clarity enough to really deal with what happened. My dad gave me some good advice, that I need to move on. It brings baggage into new relationships and it's a part of my past....a not so brilliantly clear past, in which I am not proud of. God has forgiven me, but can I forgive myself?

As my mind is no longer clouded with the brawler and mocker(wine and beer). I see the reality of my own life. For years now I have been looking for a savior, a savior in these dirty streets, a savior ....beneath....these dirty sheets....no man is pure enough to give me the kind of love I need to heal the wounds I have inflicted upon my own soul. 

I got to the point where no matter how much cosmetics I applied, how much money I pumped through my veins on designer clothes and alcohol I didn't like who I saw in the mirror. Men who wanted to know me..would tell me I was beautiful...but God and I were the only ones to know just how ugly I was inside. 

When deceit, malice, and lies poured from my lips like a fountain of disease I saw the contents of my own soul...Only God's grace could save someone so lost in the world. After so long of ignoring your own conscience and not healing from the damage I inflicted upon my soul I became wicked taking hearts and burning them. Just like the others scorched mine.  Take hearts and break and burn them. Wow, that existence sound pretty pointless... When I watched myself try to steal joy from others to make myself happy I hated that person ....

I hated who I had become because deep down I knew that the real Crystal carries the light the real Crystal wants to show the world God's love through unconditional kindness....I want to lift my neighbor...I don't want to drown together in misery I want my words to taste like sugar to the people I speak them to I want my acts of kindness to touch them so gracefully in a way that they know  Christ. My goal is not that I write words like this everyday trying to prove a point. I want people to see and hear with their eyes the change in me. This my friend is what happens to life when Christ gets to it.

I may have been something of darkness for a small eternity, but now have a testimony.

Can you find a beat inside of me?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Inside of me, can you find a beat?

It's Monday again another day of work ahead of me, oh my! I have a paper to finish tonight and I have to meet up with my English group to perform Hamlet all passionately if I don't sound passionate enough I will get my group a bad grade, the whole drama scene has NEVER been my fortay. I just find it so corny.
I start my second job mid-April. I work at Alaska Juneau Mining Co. as a sales rep. plus I'm working for AMHS and doing random work for my dad. I'm helping with the bid for the new highschool for the next two weeks. Bids are the shit...it's the best adrenaline rush...and it's so fuckin awesome the high you get from winning.

Speaking of highs..I get a even better one from running. I'm putting together a Klondike team. For those of you who don't know what that is its a 110 mile race that has ten people on a team. They go on the mining trail that the miners used back in 1898. Legs range from 5.5 miles to 14 miles. I've decided to do the 10 mi. I've been training with my mom and Maren just recently decided to join the team. So we are going to train until September. It's gonna be a bunch of us friends but we are gonna kick ass WHOOT! WHOOT!

I went for a hike with Maren on Saturday at the glacier, then we went to the waffle house to play crazy 8's. I went for a hike Sunday on the Boy scout trail with my parents....lol it was very beautiful both days, but I was hella hungover. Friday night Tara and I went out to Sunshine cove with the Hillyer's Tara and I kept pissing Jessie off by talking shit about his retarded friends and nasty girlsfriends..it was great. Then Saturday night we had a small get together because Tara was moving out of her place. My bro, his friend ray, Dmitriy, Taras bro Brian, and us played this awesome drinking game...until like 4 am it was kick ass.

The new Pavitt's gym opened on Sunday I'll probably go check that shiet out...I have a membership there but I have issues about working out in front of a lot of people.I prefer to run outside though but its nice to use the eliptical!
I have to go get my transcript at lunch and turn in my app to UAA.. I think its retard they are making me pay to apply when its the same University of Alaska...it's garbage but whatever...I guess I'm gonna live in the dorms. I'm so effin excited to see my friends up there. God knows how much I missed them it's not the same without Erin and I's daily psychological chats...Sigh. Well I'm gonna get back to work...GOODBYE UAS! Oh yeah note to self. Malia gets back on the 6th!!!YES!!!!!!

Well as most of you know I had a miscarriage at two months. It was hella lame especially since you get the whole labor/water breaking thing for absolutely nothing... it was really sad and it still is but I see now that its all a part of God's plan. I'm excited to get another chance to finish my degree without it being twice as hard..I already can BARELY balance work and school as it is and I would have to give up one of those and I know it would have been school and that would have killed me and my dad.
On top of that Josh and I weren't together when I found out I was pregnant...I feel thats one of the only reasons we got back together because now that I'm not it feels we are somewhat going down the same path we went down before. The path of realization that I can do better and that I WILL DO BETTER if he doesn't start trying to figure out what he wants to do for a career. I no longer work at Bureau of Vital Statistics I landed a job back at AMHS but its a permanent position and it pays better than BVS. BUT F the state man I can't wait until I get my degree and stuff.
I need to get back into the private sector!! My Accounting Prof. send me some internships that you work part-time starting in the fall then you turn into a full-time accountant after you get your degree so I've been thinking of doing that. BUT who knows. Well I need to go work on my English essay fun fun fun.

Okay So... I'm about ten weeks pregnant not really positive about the approximate time I became pregnant but I know I didn't get a period for two months. I took birth control for my trip in december so I wouldnt have a period on my trip and I never got a period after that I thought it was odd because I usually start it like 2 days afer I stop them. I finally took a test in January and it came up positive. Josh is of course the dad. I was really depressed at first because I didn't know how my parents would react and I was also completely over with Josh and we didn't ever expect to be together again. We decided to give it one last chance for the kids sake.
Now that my parents know and Josh and I are getting along pretty well I feel almost excited about my pregnancy. I have my first prenatal check up on Thursday so pray everything is A-okay!! Josh and I got an apartment at the hillcrest apartments its really cute and old, so it has a lot of character. It's all wood floors which will be easier to clean. He's really excited about the baby and completely involved he goes for walks with me and plans on going to all my appointments. He is still working at Tyler Rental and has an interview at Western Auto for a night and weekend job. I desperately want a new job because I could easily get a more challenging and a substantually higher paying job, but my work covers 80% of my medical expenses and I need that right now so I'm stuck with this really rad RANGE 8 job which is practically an insult to my intelligence(all I do is data entry). I've worked really hard to get the associate level credits I've earned in college and I want to start being more aggressive in my career choice after the baby is born. I'm still going to school fulltime and plan on going to school every semester and summer until I complete my bachelor's. Thank God I have a mom who is willing to help watch the baby so I can finish this education which is very important to me.Josh and I are going to wait until I have the baby to see how things work out to see if we should get married or not but we really want to for the kid sake and it would make our parents happier, plus we tried to get married many times in the past.
Every life is a gift and I do not believe in abortions, so I thank God for the opportunity to be a mom. I think its a blessing in disguise because it's going to teach me to be more selfless and to take my work and school more seriously. I cant wait to find out what it is so I can start finding out what color stuff to buy. I already know I'm getting a juicy couture diaper bag they are soo effin cute! Between me,Grandmas, Great Grandma's, Great Aunts, and other family my kid I know is going to be spoiled to crap. LoL Well I just had to finally share the news with you guys some people already know, but I can't wait to exchange baby pics and stories with all of you moms to be and already mommies.
Will update after my appointment.

Howdy Howdy Howdy.

Long time no talk. I'm sitting here at work entering old Birth Certificates into the system and trying to stay awake. My trip was pretty sick. There was bad sides to it as well I'm definately NEVER going to travel with two guys ever again in my life. Besides that i have some great pics and some good memories. I sure as fuck don't like Tim as more than a friend I decided on this trip he is FAR FAR FAR from my type way too inexperienced with life, relationships, and he's really critical and doesnt have any sympathy for ANYONE and all together he makes me sick to my stomach and he's not well endowed either so I ain't even thinking about hooking up with that shit. LoL Ladies you gotta admit all that stuff is important in any relationship. Dude my new years was sick as fuck. Started out going to Maren's bro's place with Strome and Malia(drank champagne and watched a movie), then went to a tight ass party that had like 100+ people there and I'm not even joking. It was nice seeing people I haven't seen in a grip and just getting trashed. I made andrew drive my car so i could get trashhhhhhhhhed. Dude..yeah im getting pretty tight with andrew again its helping me completly get over josh and trust me i need that. So I decided I want to experience the ever so enjoyable feeling of moving out and having roommates Malia and I found this house http://resource.realtor.com/display/default.asp?sect=18&id=15257794&rt=1337 its 5br 2ba and 2 half baths. It would be like 350-400 for each roommate if there are only five roommates but couples can share bedrooms. Anyone that is interested in this should seriously give me a comment or an call 209-4099 cuz we need to find people with a steady cash flow and a mind to smoke and partay but at the same time respect people when they have to work or study for school.

I can never consistantly update in this thing. Usually because I do enough writing with school and really don't feel like writing anymore paragraphs, if you want the truth lol!! Nothing new with me really I'm still not with Josh. Although God knows he tries to get me back it's not gonna work listen to this sad attempt he tried the other day he texts me this message.
I saw you drive by today when I was outside my work. You look so beautiful I love what you have done to your hair.
This is hilarious because
1.I haven't done anything to my hair
2.I hadn't even left my house that day
3.He told me he thinks some other girl is beautiful trying to swoon me back!
I just wrote him back WOW thanks for telling me someone else is beautiful how pathetic are you? Don't get me wrong I love Josh to death, but love is meant to back your life easier not to made your life harder and I have been so stressed out with college, work, and Josh harrassing me that i started getting heart arrhythmias. They are really scary I was stressed to the max so I went for a drive and came home walking down to my house I started feeling really weak and evertyhing went blurry I started breathing really heavy I went to my room and layed on my bed but i felt so uneasy i went to the bathroom and threw up 3 times and after my entire chest started getting so jittery and my jaw was shaking uncontrollably I went up stairs and told my mom I wanted to go to the ER because I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. We went there and they put me on oxygen, took xrays, drew blood , and the works I finally calmed down after like a hour and they told me I was getting arrhythmias which means my hard speeds up really fast and causes all those symptoms because you get scared. I talked to some people about this and they said that it can cause serious heart problems that can kill you, so I definately cannot smoke and I have to cut back on caffiene. I dropped one of my classes as well because I dont want to miss anymore work and fail all of my classes.
Another reason I don't want to miss any work is because I need some leave for december. Dmitriy, Tim and I bought our tickets for our cruise to Mexico in December. I'm soo effin excited!! Dmitriy and I are meeting Tim in LA we have to stay the night theere then we are going on a 4 day cruise and when we get back we are going to santa barbara to go sky diving (scary!!) and then to San Luis Obispo,Ca where tim is going to school also it is the place where josh lived in cali which is somewhat weird, but yeah I wanna get some mad shopping down while i'm in cali too. The only other country I have been to is Canada, so I'm psyched, plus it will be warm and I will be drunk like everyday.
Not even a month later when I get back I'm moving to Anchorage because I'm going to school at UAA. Krystal and I are going to try to get dorms together, which would be pretty sick. I can't wait to hang with Erin and Amber either. Erin is coming for Thanksgiving. Dude I have something exciting in each month except for this one I just want it to be over.
Oh Oh! one more thing I got my first credit card it has a whopping 500 dollar credit line lol its HUge just kidding, but I know I'm late getting one but I've just haven't trusted myself now that I know how to manange my finances a lil better I figured I mine as well start building credit. Until Later I'm outtie.

Hey Guys,

What's going on? I hope everything is going good for everyone with school work and lives and such. I'm sitting here on lunch at work. My mom brought me a ham sandwhich and a rockstar(much love <3). I'm not doing my accounting homework right now like I should be because I'm going to copy the answers down during class lol..I've been so tired lately.
Well everyone I did something last night that took so much internal strength I told Joshua we shouldn't talk anymore and stop seeing each other for good. I was so strong I was amazed I didn't cry or anything. I feel so horrible about the whole situation and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I talked to my daddy for like two hours after about the right kind of guy to marry/date after that. SIGH.
I'm so busy with school and work its not even funny I HAD to take off work yesterday because I needed to catch up on homework and get some sleep. So this creep Lonnie liked me the Russian guy who owns that used car lot over by Costco. Dude we like made out and shit when I was trashed a couple times UNFORTUNATELY comes to find out he's had a long distance relationship with this chick in Anchorage can you say DOUCHE! I'm not even attracted to him anyways he's 28. The only good qualities he had was he SEEMED nice, I got free dinners and alcohol out of him. Teehee. Dmitriy has been encouraging him to do that dammit Dmitriy! I love D though he has been such a good friend and so supportive through the termination of me and Josh.

So you know what I totally have hardcore feelings for Tim now. It was really weird at first because we were such good friends for so long. He's going to school in Cali right now which sucks..I want him and can't wait until he comes back home. I don't know why I didn't go for him sooner....meh.

I guess there is a dance this weekend. LOCALS you should go! Ashley, Fathom and I are going. I'll take pics I need to post some of the last month of my summer up especially the part when my baby sister (really my cousin) Alyssa was in town. Dude we look so much a like we both bleached our hair at the same time without knowing eachother did. WE had the lil boys drooling when she was in town. Janelle went to school in Arizona and hated it with a passion I'm so happy a good friend came back home when you get out of longterm relationships you need good friends! Speaking of good good friends my BABY GIRL Erin I talked to her she has another new boyfriend she's such a pimp thats my best friend alright HELL YEAH *LOVERS AND FRIENDS* our theme song. AHhah dont ask but yeah she is coming to visit me in November with her new bf. I'm going to get a place with her and her boyfriend when I move to Anchorage for school next year

So yeah I think I'm going to buy a brand new Eclipse 2006 and either trade my car in or probably just keep it for the winter. I know now that my dad is happy with my actions (breaking up with Josh) he'll co-sign which will make my payments cheap as fuck. I may shop around for something different I've heard from Word of Mouth Mitsubushi is horrible mechanically...The 2006 concept car was hotter than it actually turned out to be but DAMN. I'll probably end up getting a different kind of sports car that you can order for in Juneau.

Oh yeah so Dmitriy and I are going to Mexico. I need to do more research on it though does anyone know the hot spots to visit. If so help me out here. The thing is we were going to go to Cali to see Tim and Adam Peterson(his bestfriend), but we can't drink there. WE can go to Canada and drink there but it wont be hot. So that is why we decided on Mexico.

Friday night *PARTY AT FATHOMS*
Saturday night *DANCE*

Sounds like a good weekend to me.

I'm webcaming with Tim tonight it's gonna be great ;).

Stay Sexy Guys,

Crystal

I can't believe what a feene for coffee I am it's truly pathetic I can't even function at work until I have a good cup. Heritage mochas dont do shit for me besides clog my sinus'. Josh is out using my car I'm a little paranoid about it I'm keeping my fingers crossed. He had a lot of stuff to do today though. He spent $60 on that herbal cleaner and rescheduled his training and drug test for Tyler Rental for today so hopefully everything will work out that would blow ass if he still failed or something. We go look at his choice of apartments tomorrow. He's working with this program called transitional living they pay for your first months rent and deposit if you have alaska medicaid they are giving him a choice of two different studios or a one bedroom I'm hoping t he one bedroom is nice because that is the one that he wants to pick i mean imagine if we got in a fight we couldnt even seperate what am i supposed to do slam the bathroom door and hide in the bath tub until i cool off lol not that we are goign to be fighting a lot but seriously being in one same room with someone all the time might get old we will both be hella busy though especially when school starts for me. Josh brought me and fathom mochas to work it was pretty sweet of him :)! Tomorrow is Kayla's bday and Sunday is mine so we decided to party for it on Friday at Fathom's. Kourtney is going to come party with me for the first time in years literally! Since we haven't since we were 15 or 16 and she's been so busy being a good mom it will be fun because both our bf's work night shift that night so just us girls can kick it for a while im goign to look up some yummy mixed drinks to make online right now. Sip and go Nakeds are always good concentrated pink lemonade, ice, a beer, and citrus vodka. It gets you gone and it gets a lot of people fucked up. I still want to try something new though if you want to come give me a call 209-4099. STAL you are going no matter what so you better call. I can't believe your leaving so soon its sad do you think you'll ever be back? I'm ordering shit for our bedroom and bathroom already for our apartment im goign with the modern black and white look because i know josh gets mad when i decorate with pink and purple like i want to ! I like black and white because it can be masculine too. I also have always liked modern looking stuff. Check this shit yo! http://www.target.com/gp/cart/view.html/ref=nav_tr_sc/601-8785926-5944148

I'm so bored right now the season has really winded down. I just got done reading the new Alloy magazine and my Teen Vogue. I just subscribed to this new magazine that came out called Shop Etc. They tell when all the best product come out and offer you 100's of dollars worth of savings coupons from like GAP, Oldnavy, Guess and other places I shop at supposely! Let's hope its worth my $12 probably just a scam. I hate having this lust for fashion, clothes, and products. I swear it's drives me broke every single month it's ridiculous and what for I live in Juneau for goodness sakes. I guess I do it for my boyfriend, but even when he's not around i'm still a shop-a-holic. It's sad I over withdrew my bank account AGAIN! I swear it looked like my clothes had gone through but it hadn't really debit cards are dangerous I don't even know what would happen to my punk ass with a credit card. Joshie is going to pay the $60 for my overdraft fees gosh I love him because I don't get paid until Wednesday. This is my last week working here until that permanent postion comes out then I'm stuck working for my father until then. The only good thing about my financial situation this month is a year ago I started paying for my own cell phone so I had to put down a $200 deposit and if I paid on time for a year they would show that to the credit agencies and I'll finally have some sort of credit even though I've been paying bills for two years! But yeah so they are giving that back to me too so I don't have to worry about that bill just the really rad $300 a month for my SR-22 GOSH! I wish I wasn't such a fast driver when I was 16 and 17 that really fucked me over. Haha. Dude weed is a very BADDD thing in order to get this Tyler Rental job Josh has to pass the piss test and if it wasn't for us getting drunk and smoking the herb than we wouldn't have to be all stressed he has to buy herbal cleaner that is fricken $60 that is ridiculous! It's so not worth it at all. I seriously doubt either of us will smoke again or for a long time if at all. I feel like I've done nothing but bitch about my money problems in this entry sorry guys! I guess thats all I think about or something. Well I'm going to get back to work.

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood.Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets.Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studyin

Hey Bitches!
Haha Just kidding. I'm sitting here at work in the dark because my regular supervisor got her schedule switched aroudn because she got a promotion, so now it's Kean this guy I partied with before i got the job. He apparently likes to work in the dark lol I don't mind though because I would probably get a headache from my hangover from last night. Caleb and Ashley came over it was nice I drank a beer with Caleb and Joshie went and got me and him 40's Blech but they get r done sooo. Caleb left and Ashley and I just caught up with whats been going on in each others lives since we really haven't seen each other all summer. I'm excited to go back to school I miss my school friends that I kind of stopped hanging out with over the summer liike Ashley and Dmitriy...Michelle became the main supervisor over everyone in our department and she keeps encouraging me to apply for the permanent positon that apparently will be opening in the next month. Permanent positions give you paid leave, vision, dental, and medical insurance. Can you say fuck yeah! She said that they could give me morning shift too so I would be able to take my mangerial accounting class which starts at 3 30pm on Tues and Thurs. I don't think she would be telling me to apply all the time if she wasn't going to hire me so I'm excited becaues that also means i get a raise! MORE GOOD NEWS Josh got a job at Tyler Rental he's going to work 7-4 there and 5-9 and on 3 days of the week 5 to closing(11-12) for Bullwinkle's. Plus he gets his new place on the 27th, which will be my place too because if I don't decide to live there permanently(which i'm seriously considering) I will be there all the time anyways I haven't slept at my parents house in a good week or so. Ever since Josh moved into Fathom's my house is just unfinished and I feel most comfortable sleeping with Josh. Andrew turned out to be just hte same old mental case about a week and a half ago josh and i got drunk with him and his stupid gf we were giving them a ride home after this huge dramatic scene where josh used to live and andrew started talking shit to josh calling josh a pussy saying hes better than him and saying he would be a better bf and shit..right in front of his gf so josh kicked them out of my car..i felt so bad so josh and i got in a huge fight over leaving them so we went back BIG MISTAKE! WE were all shit faced so Josh and I were going to pay for a hotel room and let them use the other bed...dude fuck that shit every single hotel was booked in the valley and their car was downtown anyways. So I drove and Andrew wouldn't stop talkign shit to Joshie and he started punching and beating the shit out of his girlfriend in the back of my car i was crying the entire way downtown i was soo scared of getting a DUI and he kept upsetting josh and i had to keep calmign him down we got to the library parkign lot where their car was and andrew kept screaming at josh to fight him and shit andrew GET THIS starts pucnhing my car and makes two dents I flipped!! His ghetto ass girl told me she would pay for it and the next day i called to tell them i was taking it to small claims and they had the nerve to say it was joshs fault for pissing andrew off and it was always joshs fault for them crashing their car apparently after we dropped them off (HAHA thats kharma bitches!) I got an estimate and its 500 worth of damage. I decided not to take him to court because he aint got no job and it wouldn't be worht my time to have to chase him for his money I figure I should pay for it for being so foolish as to start hanging out with him again after everything he has done in the past I seriously feel bad for him because he has seriously bad emotional problems and needs counseling and probably come medication I also feel for his girlfriend because she is blinded by what she thinks is love and is letting him use her for all her money he has trashed her 2005 car and he beats her..I think its really sad when girls don't see their self worth and put themselves in that kind of situation. After all that crap with Andrew I'm so happy to have found Josh I'm truly lucky andrew never did anything worse to me than he already has. Josh would never do that type of crap in a million years and things are finally starting to go good for us we both have good jobs or at least one of joshs jobs is good but hey bullwinkle's=free food and he finally found his own aprtment minus the crazy roommates he's had in the past. I'm so thankful for fathom she is such a good friend to take him in until he found a place i mean he paid her and everything but she didn't have to do it at all. These people call in and want to have a bike with a trailer what kind nerd does that? Drives around bellingham with a bicycle with a trailer attached behind it WTF! To each their own I guess. I'm so sleepy I just want to go back to Fathom's and crawl into bed with Joshie and take a nap :(! Well this is a pretty long entry I'll write more tomorrow.

Hey Everyone.

This job is almost over, hooray. I have one more week and a little over a week until I'm finally 19, not that I'm so thrilled about getting older or anything. It's funny when I can actually legally buy ciggarettes I decide to quit. I guess thats a good thing though. I died my hair bleach blonde I actually really like it I just need to go tanning or something though I absolutely HATE how hard it is to get tan for me its not fucking fair at all. I can't wait for school to start I just want to learn more stuff and get closer to getting done with my degree I'm for sure takign 4 classes each semester I just have to become a junior...I'm thinking of staying here for my entire degree but going down to cali to work in one of their CPA offices down there and take the test to become one down there then that will give me enough time to save enough money and I wont have to feel stressed. Tim is going down to the place I want to move I'm fuckign really jealous of him if I wasn't with Josh I would move this semester and room with him...Josh is really fucking pissing me off lately I'm really sick of him I think I just need to not hang out with him for a day or two I'm going to start running to vent stress instead of smoking...I get so crazy because of everything built up inside I'm high strung so I need to get back to running again...There is a bbq goign on downstairs its a AMHS reservation bbq ooo yay! it smells so good though you can't go down there until its your turn.